ntang (ntang) wrote,
ntang
ntang

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Sigh.

I've been feeling increasingly burnt out recently. Life's getting to me. Between the divorce and work and LJ and everything else I just feel more and more like I just want to crawl under a rock for a few years.

I haven't worked on LJ::TextMessage since I sent the latest version in to Brad. Admittedly it had entirely stagnated when I took it on, so it's still doing better than before, but this is not what I planned when I took it on. I wanted at least one release every month, even if I only added one provider for that release.

I've finally started getting comments and requests for NANS but I find I have no desire or willpower to work on it. It does everything I want, and that's the problem. Most of my motivation for writing scripts and such come from making it do what I want to make it do, especially since most people are requesting that I make it do things I never intended for it to do. I'll try to get them working, but I have very little motivation to do it. Not to mention that even for myself I'm feeling too burnt out to do it.

I also want to rip my image gallery generator to pieces and totally rewrite it. Guess what? Nada. I can't even be bothered to look at it, let alone contemplate a full rewrite. It needs it. I look at it and I'm embarrassed by some of the stuff I did in there. It's obviously such an ugly hack... but it's an ugly hack that works fine for me. Blerg.

Work... I dunno. I'm doing stuff, but the only way I can keep myself from getting utterly bored and stopping working and just zoning, staring at my screensaver, is by moving on to something new and different from what I was last doing. I've been project hopping like mad recently, and while I've been doing some good work, it's been so scattershot I'm not sure how effective anything is. Most projects require some time dedicated to them, and I've been bouncing around trying to do anything to keep myself moving forward.

Personal life? Well, I've been throwing all of my energy into the kids, and I have to say I think I'm doing a better job of parenting than I ever have before in my life. I also have to say it's leaving me well and truly exhausted. I don't regret it, but it frustrates me. I pick up the kids (or for most of the summer just the baby), take them for a walk, go home, play with them, feed them, play with them, put them to bed... and then sometime around 9 pm or so I sit down, eat dinner (if I haven't already, I try to eat with my 5 year old, but sometimes if it's getting late I'll just make him something quickly and take care of my dinner afterwards), and try to start on whatever. It often ends up being around 10, even 11 before I'm actually done with dinner and ready to get on with whatever. Chores? Ok, well, I can start at 10 or maybe 9 if I work at things and compress a few things. If I'm very motivated and willing to let the kids play alone while I run around the apartment I can "set up" a few chores so that as soon as they're in bed I can start on those. But it's just so damn tiring. I need a vacation. Weekends are really tiring, as I basically spend all day with the kids then, running around taking care of them, playing with them, etc. I do take a few hours in the night on weekends to spend on myself, usually sitting online and chatting with friends and doing LJ because I'm too burnt out to do anything else. I want to exercise, I want to clean, I want to feel like I'm accomplishing something.

Sigh.

I need a vacation. I dunno.
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