ntang (ntang) wrote,

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Because I've got work to do that is robbing me of desperately needed sleep, I'm going to settle in and procrastinate, hardcore. So, for the first time ever, my Oscar commentary. (Why first ever? Well, I've never watched them before, even in part. Tonight, I watched the opening, and then fast-forwarded past 95% of it. Yay Tivo.)

Amusing factoid of the moment: as far as I can tell, the Colbert Report had 100% accuracy when it came to Oscar predictions. I don't remember exactly who Colbert picked, but I think he may have just nailed them all.

Jon Stewart: not bad. Could've been more funny, but I did chuckle several times.

William Hurt: how the fuck did that ham-handed performance get him nominated for anything? Christ. If he didn't lose, I think the fabric of the universe would be torn open and suck us all up, eradicating all life instantly. Well, that's what I'd be hoping for, anyways.

Heath Ledger: it always amazes me when perfectly handsome guys go out of their way to look like crap. He looks like some homeless guy vomited him up last night. Someone seriously needs to light that dickhead on fire. I suppose I should be grateful, though - if more good looking guys start emulating his look, my own stock may rise considerably on the dating market, for simple virtue of not looking like I was vomited up by a bum.

Keira Knightley: holy hotness, batman. She looks better every time I see her. Normally I'm not a huge fan of people troweling the makeup onto their face (except for goths, but that's part of the look) but she pulled it off nicely.

Salma Hayek: always has been super-hot, always will be.

Charlize Theron: what the fuck? No, really, what the fuck? I think her dress was patterned off of the Madcat battlemech design. I hope they checked that shoulder-launcher for explosives before allowing her in. I don't understand why women that hot put things like that on. (Actually, I guess it's closer to the Hunchback.)

Jessica Alba and Jennifer Lopez both looked bad. Jennifer Garner is a clumsy doofus, but looked cute despite that. Felicity Huffman's little breast-flaps look terrible in that dress. She needs to grow some boobs or something if she wants to pull that off. Michelle Williams looks like a hillbilly in that dress. A bright yellow hillbilly.

Will Ferrell and Steve Carell both look pretty sharp. Why do comics dress better than movie stars?

Naomi Watt's dress makes me giggle. She's a good looking woman, but they need to toss her back in the ocean until she finds a real dress.

Jane Russell: ! Those lips! Aie!

Rachel Weisz: pregnant MILF. Nice boobs.

Terry Pheto: I don't know who she is, but good lord, I want to now.

Dolly Parton looks like a Thanksgiving Day float. Someone needs to deflate those things and put them away.

Reference: Yahoo's Oscar Photos.

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