ntang (ntang) wrote,
ntang
ntang

Urg.

I didn't get anything useful done this weekend. Well, no 'forward progress'. I was dealing with on-call and trying to do the 'good father' thing and spent all weekend playing with my son and fixing webservers, and some time talking with friends. I got a lot done, in one sense, but I feel demoralized because my place is a mess and I'm exhausted and I've got nothing to show for it. I worked hard this weekend but I have nothing to point to and say "hey, I did that". I've got a happy, clean, well-fed baby, which is nice, and I've got a network back at work that's working ok, but... I want to be able to point to the sparkling floors and shining countertops. Or maybe point to the new release of code I just put out, or the new servers I set up, or whatever.

I'm going to go cook a real dinner, some pseudo-thai style chicken with noodles, and then I'm going to see if I can't get at least a little cleaning done. I hate this place, it's so messy, and between the things going on in my life I never have the time or energy or willpower to clean it well. I also hate looking at myself, I want to work out and get rid of my damn belly and tighten up my arms and torso (and legs too, I guess, but those don't bother me) but I can't bring myself to exercise. I want to get some programming done, but I can't get it together. I need to set up the servers so my dad can put his web site on my server but I can't get up the willpower to do it. I want to do so much and I just... can't... make... myself...

Ugh. I'm burning out, and it's not pleasant to watch myself go down in flames. I'm not saying I'm not doing ok meanwhile, because I am - but I'm losing my drive and my will and my ability to push myself to my limits. I'm getting by, and that's it. I want to be succeeding as much as humanly possible, and instead I'm just getting by. Bleh. :/

I need to remember to call back again tonight and see if I can reach my cousin. I want to congratulate her on her new baby.

Anyway, time to cook.
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