This post is going to be sort of scattered. Read what you want, skip it all, whatever.
A year ago today, I posted a poll, asking for peoples' secret thoughts - the ones you weren't supposed to admit to, to share. It was inspired by an interesting Salon article and the follow-up to that. A few people responded, not many, but here are some of the "forbidden" thoughts they had.
"None, but I refused to donate blood."
"I think the US quite deserved 9/11. Sorry, I really do."
"When I watched it on tv I didn't really comprehend it. I ran into work and went up to a coworker and was like "Did you see what happened in NY?" I was kinda... like... had an endorphin rush and was excited. I felt bad about it when I knew ppl died."
"My friend called me on the 11th and said that she wasn't going to work that day - she was afraid of being in a building. I said, "Christ! You work in a single-story strip mall in rural Nebraska! Can you even see it from the air?"
"9/11: the great way I: got 2 weeks off with pay & no deduction from my vacation time!"
"America deserved it. They've behaved like bullies and taken a moral high ground that wasn't theirs and this is their come-upance. They've backed repressive regimes, trained terrorists, funded the IRA and abused a position of power. Karma was enacted."
"When the horror was almost gone, I thought that "they (meaning the US) deserved it with their actions in the Middle East" and in other places, where they showed aggression."
"I feel like we haven't learned jack shit from this and there will be another attack."
The original post was here:
The poll's still live, if anyone wants to add to it.
This morning on the radio, they were reading the names of everyone who died. I turned it off.
The past couple of nights, I watched a few specials on channel 13 about it. They seemed to focus on things like the engineering aspect of the WTC, why they fell, the physics, explaining the design flaws, things like that. They got into the "tribute" style material later, I guess. I didn't finish watching any of them.
I was thinking about sitting down and playing a computer game to get my mind off things, but then I thought that maybe virtual violence and bloodshed wasn't what I needed at the time. I watched a few more minutes of tv, and spent some time laying in bed. I finally went to bed "early" (i.e. around midnight) both nights.
I've felt sick to my stomach for the past 15 hours or so.
Someone AIMed me this morning, "Dude, where's my car?"
Me: "Hey. Not in a super joking mood today."
Him: "Ok. Are you alright?"
Me: "Yeah, I'm ok, just not in a mood for jokes."
Me: "Oddly it seems to be having more of an impact on me this year than last. Or maybe I just don't remember last year, I dunno."
Him: "I am trying really hard not to think about it. I am trying REALLY hard. I am coming across like an idiot or asshole to most people that I talk to."
Me: "Don't worry about it. I'm sure you're not being an asshole, and I understand trying not to think about it."
Links to the past. Har.
Here are a few links to the posts I made during and after the event:
They continue for a while, actually.
And then the posts I made last year. I went to court that day, actually, I had to visit the Early Settlement Panel. The day was a strange one.
Those continue for a while, too. I think the posts I found most interesting were the posts a week or two after the event and its anniversary, I think I was a little more shell shocked than I realized at the time. I kept up a brave front but had some nightmares and such, which I had forgotten. Of course, I'm perfectly aware that being at ground zero, or in it, or even near it is very different from being a half mile from it, and I'm not saying I took any lasting mental damage or whatever.