ntang (ntang) wrote,

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Change is in the wind... (or insert some other bullshit subject of your choice here)

So, I've been thinking. Thinking, as you know, is always a dangerous sign, and I try to avoid it whenever possible. Sometimes, though, it sneaks up when you aren't looking. This time? It got me.

[Insert rousing chorus of "Get on with it!"]

I was having lunch with my muse the other day, and discussing Livejournal - specifically, my LJ, of course, and also what it means. (In this case my muse was totally ripping off stjude, who brought up similar questions in her now-sadly-possibly-defunct journal, but I won't tell if you won't.) I was having a sandwich, something simple, while my muse as usual was milking me for all I was worth. Lobster fra diavolo, an expensive glass of wine, caviar and pasta to start off with, a creme brulee to finish... I always cover the tab on these lunches, and my muse knows it. Oh yeah. Even worse, my muse eats like I do - in proper Tang fashion, i.e., way too freaking much.

("Get on with it!")

So, to cut to the chase, the problem is this: I've lost track of what I'm talking about. (No, not in this post, in the greater scheme of things. Even I'm not sadistic enough* to torture you all with reading this much to get to the punch line of "Uh, I forget.") When I say I lost track, I mean I had a fairly clear "goal" in mind when I started this (well, technically, this isn't my first LJ. If you don't know my older LJ name and want to look at the posts in there, email me in private and I may give it to you...). I was in a very rough spot in terms of my marriage, and I thought it would be useful and cathartic to have an outlet for my thoughts and feelings and experiences. Not only that, but by giving some people access to them, I could share some of my very personal thoughts with them without having to have drunken face to face confessions or any of the other standard ways people usually spill the beans.

I posted about all kinds of stuff, and a lot of it was personal history, memories, things that were going through my mind - it wasn't all interesting, I suppose, but it was very revealing. In revealing myself that way, it also made me vulnerable.

As my friends list grew and the number of people that could read it grew, I found myself getting into emotional conflicts - not with them, I mean, but myself. "Do I show this to people? Who on my friends list do I trust enough to show this to? How do I keep my private self here, yet still allow myself to talk in places like lj_dev and such without people tracing it back?"

Shortly after I was laid off and I got separated (to be honest, my wife left me, but it was somewhat mutual), I started a second journal - this one. It was intended to be a technical, impersonal journal, separated out from my other journal so I could post in lj_dev, so I could talk about geek stuff without alienating the non-geeks on my friends list, etc. It worked - for a few weeks. I soon found myself posting less and less in my old journal - and more and more in my new journal. Not only that, but as I got friends under my new "persona" I found myself wanting to be able to confide in them as well, without having to bother trying to get them to friend my other journal and such. Soon, I was posting everything in this journal and ignoring the other altogether.

The thing is, though, something changed. I don't know if it was moving to this journal, or perhaps just my life taking different routes over time, but I lost my way with this journal. It's no longer really personal, it's not particularly interesting, and most frustratingly I find myself having trouble reading it. And it's MY journal!

The dilemma I'm left with is what to do. Do I make a clean start with a new name? Do I try to salvage this one, possibly overhauling it dramatically in the process? Or do I just accept that maybe it's not working out for me any more and just put it to bed?

I've made a lot of good friends on here, and I've had a lot of fun, but it's getting stale, and frustrating. I don't seem to have time to read and comment the way I used to, and I'm starting to lose touch with a lot of people I felt a very strong connection to before. I don't want to lose those friends and don't want to abandon those relationships, but they're slowly withering, it feels like. I think they're being strangled by the garbage that my journal is becoming, and the large number of people on my friends list - how can I focus on the people I care about when there are 80 people and/or communities that I'm watching in some way or another? And, for that matter, why the hell am I watching them in the first place? Half of them don't really interest me all that much. (Sorry, but it's true. If it's any consolation, a lot of the communities are the "worst offenders" in that sense.)

I'm not entirely sure where to go from here. I'm thinking it's time for a change, but what, and how? I dunno. I guess I'll have to figure it out. Maybe it'll be my New Year's resolution. :)

* - blatant lie, but it works for me in this case.

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