ntang (ntang) wrote,

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Sigh. Some nights, I just don't know. Life's been a series of ups and downs; I suppose it always is, in some way or another, right? I should be used to it by now. I should be strong enough to shrug off the bad parts. Enjoy the good parts. Live it up.

I suppose so, anyways. Really, though, I can't. I mean, I try my best, but it's just not that easy. I know, people have it worse than me. I hear it often enough, I see it often enough. Funny, though, that doesn't make it any better. Some days it even makes it worse. I don't like seeing other people in pain, and I don't like seeing other people suffering. Knowing that people out there are being hurt and are hurting doesn't lessen any pain I feel. If anything, it adds to it.

I can't say I'm really depressed, because I'm not. I have plenty of happy moments, plenty of up times to go with the down ones. I'm just sort of sad, I guess. I want to be happy, I want to be brave, I want to be able to enjoy all of the good times I have without letting the bad times drag me down. I wish I knew how.

I can't say life's been treating me all that poorly. It just leaves me tired, and sad. I have periods of happiness and periods of contentedness to go along with it all, but I always feel like there's more out there - there's something missing, something I could have, maybe should have, but don't. Some nights I feel like a failure - and I know I'm not, by any means - but it doesn't stop me from feeling like it. I try to be confident and happy, and I love making people smile, but it's hard some days.

I'm going to bed. I miss my son, and in all honesty I miss my wife in some ways, too. Well... no... I don't miss her. I miss the times we had together. I miss the good times that were mixed in with the bad. I'm lonely, and I'm tired of feeling lonely. I haven't yet found anyone that I can trust with my heart and soul, though, and I want that. I miss it. I chose the wrong person, the first time, and I'm paying for that mistake now, but for a while, it was good, so good.

I miss giving someone my heart, trusting them and loving them enough to pull down the barriers. I spill my guts on here, sometimes, but it's only the surface, really. I thought I had something special with her, but I was wrong. I thought I had filled that emptiness. Maybe for a little while I had... but it's empty again. It's been empty for a while, since before we broke up, it's not like it was working at the end, or anywhere near it.

I don't really have any point, nor does this post. I just want to say something, but I don't know what it is. I fumble around in here looking for words and phrases and thoughts and feelings, but I keep missing them.

Sigh. Oh well. I'm going to bed. Maybe getting a full night of sleep will help things. I wish I had something to cuddle to sleep. A cat would work. A lover. Even one of my boys, I love watching them fall asleep, so innocent and pure and sweet. The bed's too big to sleep in it alone.

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