ntang (ntang) wrote,
ntang
ntang

Hmmmm.

I've been thinking, and I realized I have no idea what I want out of life. In the big picture sense, I mean - like what's the point, what's the goal, where am I going, why? What do I want to do with myself? With my life?

I know you don't always have to have a specific goal for everything, and I've never really been one to plot out every detail of everything in advance, but I feel like I should have some sort of "big picture" goals. I can't think of any, really.

I'm not sure if that means there's something wrong with me, or if I just don't know what I want. I do think it might contribute to the general sort of feelings of malaise and melancholy (today's post was brought to by the number 2 and the letter M). I mean, I don't know where I'm going, or why, and don't know where I want to be, so how can I be satisfied or feel like I'm making progress? I'm spinning my wheels. Maybe if I had somewhere to aim myself I could feel like I was doing something worthwhile. Instead I go in circles, moving a lot and ending up right where I started.

I don't even know what I should want. A family? A big house? A prestigious job?

I've got half of the family thing down - the two kids certainly count for something, although it'd be nice to have a wife (you know what I mean) as well. A partner, a friend, a lover. So I guess that could be counted as a goal, but it's not really a goal. If I find the right person, and I'm right for them too, then yeah, great. I'm not one to force it, though, I don't want to get into a string of shitty relationships just out of some misguided attempt to find some mythical "the one". Finding the right person would be nice, but if I don't, I'll live. I've been a loner most of my life, and been alone for the past year, and I've realized that while it's really (really, really) nice having someone, it's not something I need.

So then what? The house? I have some vague desire for a house, but that's all it is. I don't particularly have any love for houses, or the huge financial commitment they represent. I'm in debt up to my neck, and I hate that feeling. Since I can't afford to buy one outright, getting a house would mean sinking myself in even deeper. Just what I need.

Job? I've got one where I'm happy and I earn a healthy salary. At some point I'll probably end up moving on, but no time soon unless something goes wrong (like the company goes under or I get fired or something). I could earn more, and I could have a better title, but I'm happy, so why move? At some point I'd like to experience life from the lofty heights of some big fancy title and ridiculously large salary, but honestly I figure all I have to do is keep going and I'll get there. I made senior admin in 2 years, maybe less, and manager in what, 4? If I really wanted I could be a VP or director next year (somewhere else) and then keep going, but honestly, right now I don't want that. My family takes precedence to my career, with the caveat that my career has to be in good enough shape to let me support my family.

So what do I strive for? Part of me wants to get back to my artwork... but honestly, it's been so long since I did anything that I feel discouraged even thinking about it. It's hard to drop something you're passionate about and then just try to pick it up on the spur of the moment after years without it. I feel stiff, rusty, useless, pathetic. Things that used to come naturally to me are stilted, and part of the joy of the artwork was getting lost in the creation, in being able to just dive into it and do it and do it well and do it with passion and now I can't. It's a struggle. So yes, I suppose at some point when my life has changed enough to allow it I want to pick it up again, but no time soon. It's too painful reminding myself of what I've lost.

What else is there? I'm running out of ideas for goals. I don't want to swim across the English Channel or climb a mountain or break a record. I don't want to be famous or rich or whatever. It's not that I don't want success, I just don't measure success as necessarily how much money I earn or how well I'm known or whatever. It's something undefinable and I don't think I have it but I don't think I'd get it by pursuing any of those things either.

I'm lost, confused, in a daze. Bah.
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