ntang (ntang) wrote,


...every day has seemed to be shitty. I wonder if my life has just sucked for the past few days/weeks, or if maybe my outlook on life has changed, or what.

I know, for instance, that having my father here and having my apartment turned into a warehouse adds a lot of stress to my life. However, having him here also removes some stress as he helps me with the kids, shopping, laundry, etc. So it seems like it shouldn't be that bad.

At work (and in the rest of my life, but it's most obvious at work) I've had trouble focusing on things and concentrating on what I'm doing. Or, more, I've had trouble getting started. I can sit down and work through stuff quite nicely when I'm "inspired" but more often than not I'll spend half an hour getting myself psyched up just to do 10 minutes of work. Maybe not literally, but you get the idea. I get much less done than I should. Maybe it's because things have been so quiet - I tend to thrive under pressure and stress and there hasn't been much at work recently. It's been too damn easy, honestly, things are working too smoothly.

During a different time in my life I'd actually consider leaving the job nowish, not because I was unhappy, but because I feel sort of aimless. The site works, and for the most part works well. We're tuning things, and fine-tuning them, doing incremental improvements, working on adding redundancy, etc. It's boring work, and it produces little of notice. Most of the stuff we're doing now is the work that only gets noticed when shit hits the fan and it hasn't been done, and gets us no credit or sense of achievement when we DO do it well. I like building things. There's no building to do, now we're going around painting and sanding and putting up wallpaper and shit. Bleh. Sigh.

I think I need to invent some traumatic project for myself. I tried installing TUX to do some tests with it, and that was interesting... for the few days it took me to set everything up and configure it to mimic our existing install on other boxen. I wrote that syslog parsing/notification/logging script, and it works pretty well, but it's more or less done now. Once again, boring. I worked on getting Netsaint set up with one of the junior admins. It's been working like a charm, now just fine-tuning and such is needed. BORING.

All of the work that needs to be done now is so bloody boring, and that's part of the problem. I come into work depressed and feeling overwhelmed, emotionally, and then I have a mountain of small jobs and boring work and facing it is difficult at times. I like my job, I like my coworkers, I like my boss, I like the atmosphere, but I'm burnt out and bored at the same time, a deadly combination.

At home I feel overwhelmed, having the kids for so long alone really burned me out in a big way. I get home and I have no energy left to really face the kids. Before my dad moved in, I had no choice, so I forced myself to find the energy and just left myself a wasted shell most of the time. Now I find myself taking advantage of his presence and paying very little attention to the boys many nights. I know this will get better with time, but right now I feel guilty, like I went from one extreme (giving them everything I had and then some) to the other (giving them nothing). I know, I read to them most nights and play with them and feed them and still bring them in and pick them up sometimes, so my "nothing" is admittedly considerably more than some parents' concept of it, but it still feels like I should be doing 10x more. I dunno.

I just feel burnt out, and I feel tired, and I feel worn out, and I feel like I just have no desire to keep struggling forward. I'm tired of the struggle. I want to sleep, I want to relax, I want to get away from it all.

I've taken to playing video games (well, computer games) recently, in large quantities. I had stopped playing almost entirely for quite a while, but then all of a sudden a week or two ago I started playing every free moment I had. It's weird. All I can think is that it's a crutch, a way to escape reality for short periods of time.

I dunno. I just feel so bitterly tired of everything. I need a break. I want to stop fighting and struggling, I want to stop plowing ahead. Bah.

So anyways I apologize, but I needed to rant and whine and bitch for a while, get some stuff off my chest. Feel free to comment if you want, but no need to give advice or words of wisdom or anything, really. I was just letting off steam, emotionally. Bleh.

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