ntang (ntang) wrote,

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i am so fucking drinki. I had half a bottle of Booker's left over, at 126.5 proof, and my brother in law and I just finished that fucker off. For kicks we even measured it, and we had at least 2.5 cups of 126.5 proof (63.75% alcohol I think) liquor left over and we just polished it off. And it felt food. I just sucked down that last little bit without any regrets. That shit honestly was more like paint thinner than alcohol, and I just drank over a cup of it straight.

Hehe it took me 2 triest to spell lj-cut.. hehe... and after that, after we drank, I found myself just pouring out. Well, relatively. I'm usually pretty conservative so even saying anything wabout how I acvftually felt was pretty impressive, but saying so much was especially impresive.

My whle life I've felt not good enugh. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I workied, no matter what I accompiuhshed, it wasn't enough ., I remnenber getting straight a's in school (literally) and one day I came home with a b- on a project and my dad yelled at me - for something liek 2 hors striaght. And I kow, it seeems like nothing, but when you've been working your ass off, working straight all night when your friends are ut playing, and when you['ve devoted your life (it feels like) to being the perfect child and your father still find s enough faulkt with you to scream at you for 2 hours straight, it just makes you feel so hopeless. And this owuld happej n multiple times, it's not like this was an isolate incident. And then I went away to clollegse, and I married this woman whoo I thought loved me, and we had 2 kids, and nom atter how hard I tried, no matter what I achieved, she always called me hp[pathetic and weak and useless and whatever else, and it was like I dunno. The people I cared most about pleasing and proving myself to in this world and no matter how hard I tried they always seemed to at the time hated me and it was crushing. Really crushing, and bpoy what a fucking kick 126.5 proof liquor hsa.

Hehe. I'm so fucking drunk, and I was in tears in front of my brother in law. And the funny thing is, I can't thik of anyone else I've trusted as much as him, in the end. No one else I've let myself get drunk with, and no one else I've let myself pour that shit out too, eve n if only for a few minues. Oh boy , I can barely sit up striaght. And I know I sholdnt; be so druybnk but I am, and I'm trying to overcome it but I can't, I'm just fucking plastered.

So what do you do when everyone you care the most about seems to think you aren't goopd enough? What do you do? I don't fucking know. Tomorrow's going to suck, Hangover. ehe

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