April 29th, 2004


The Yogurt Report: Thursday April 29, 2004


Thursday, April 29, 2004

MOD: Good morning. Let me begin by asking members of the audience to refrain from any loud demonstrations of approval or disapproval, because that simply takes time away from the report you are about to hear. Save any and all comments and questions for the end. Thank you very much for you cooperation.

TANG: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. This is the third report in a continuing series, trying to unearth the truth when it comes to yogurt. This statement represents the collective efforts of me. I did all of the work. All of it, do you hear me?! I was fortunately able to build on my own strong investigative work, and my natural intelligence and charm. I would also like to take this time to remind the members of the commission of my stunningly good looks and my incredible humility, which is beyond reproach.

The subject of today's report: foil seals. As you know, virtually all brands of commercial yogurt use foil seals for freshness. No one present would argue against freshness. Who among you could possibly want sour, putrid yogurt assaulting you as you settle down for your morning repast? I regretfully have to tell you of a sordid secret that is hidden in these supposedly innocent bits of foil. Pressurized yogurt blasts. Weapons of Mass Dirtification!

Every day hundreds -- perhaps thousands! -- of innocent Americans are splashed with yogurt, each and every morning, ruining their clothes and casting a pall over their entire day. This situation is UNACCEPTABLE! I propose that this is a conspiracy, a conspiracy between the communist, heathen dry cleaners that sully our shopping malls and street corners, and the wrongheaded -- nay, evil! -- members of the Yogurt Growers of America! I call for an immediate investigation into this situation, and if it is not rectified within 90 days I suggest that we seize all assets from both dry cleaners and yogurt manufacturers and hold them until such time as they have improved their yogurt sealing processes!

The (natural born, fully legal) citizens of America deserve better! Nay, we demand better! DOWN WITH YOGURT! DOWN WITH DRYCLEANERS! VIVE LE REVOLUCION!

Thank you.