February 20th, 2003


What's the point to being nice?

I don't remember. I'm sure I did at some point.

My life's felt like I'm spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere, and while a lot of people feel like that, they don't pull it off with the panache, the same... joie de vive that I do. I might be melancholy and aimless, but I do it in style! I'm very passionate about my apathy.

So anyways. I thought about the point of being nice, or being good, or whatever, tonight. I was sitting on the bus, all hunkered down and ready for my massively long commute home (thanks, God, for all the snow, I am SO KICKING YOUR ASS after I die). The 50th passenger boarded the bus, a woman, and she moved back into the bus and at some point stopped - right next to me - with a sigh, realizing that there were no more seats. (NJ Transit buses seat 49 passengers. People "in the know" don't get on if the ticket counter's past 49, unless they're desperate to get there fast.) Now, normally, I ignore people who get on after the bus is full. The drivers almost always tell people when the bus is full, and so people who get on and stand made the conscious decision to stand. Since I make the conscious decision not to stand (I wait for the next bus, most of the time, if it's standing-room-only), then I figure, to hell with them.

The thing is, she was pregnant. 8 months, she told the woman in front of me, as they got into a discussion about how things were in the states and in the city, where no one would ever think of getting up for an elderly or pregnant or handicapped person. Things were different in Europe. Just for those comments I was tempted to make her stand, but you know, she was pregnant. 8 months. After a few minutes of cursing and screaming in my head, I stood up and offered her my seat. The ride home was, I dunno, a little over an hour I guess. When you're sick and haven't been sleeping much and are burnt out, that's a long time to stand, especially when the bus makes a few sharp stops and almost sends you into a face plant.

So I stood there wondering, what exactly do I get out of behavior like this? It put me in a bad mood, it took me from tired to really tired and grumpy, and, well, ok, so it helped the pregnant woman. She thanked me, and apologized after the bus did that lurchy thing where I almost kissed the floor. But, you know, her thanking me and apologizing only annoyed me. So I was pissed off and annoyed by the whole situation, but I really couldn't imagine myself doing anything else.

Why? I don't seem to get anything from it, except a vague feeling of having done the "right thing". But what makes it the right thing? And what's the point? It didn't even make me happy or give me any sense of satisfaction, it was just what I did. The thing is, I didn't even really have a choice, in the end. It was what I had to do. So why is that? God, sometimes I annoy myself.

Tonight was the going away party for Ed, a long time employee of CCI. He's a great guy, and I wanted to see him off, but I was way too tired to hit a bar and party and drink. I'd never have made it home. I felt bad, though, because, y'know, he only gets one farewell party. And of course, I ended up standing up the entire ride home anyways.

There was a point to this post at one point, I think.

I've been watching a lot of tv recently, I think it's mainly because my brain is fried. I think of doing anything else - and I wince. I don't want to do anything that requires any mental effort, which is why I think I haven't even been on LJ all that much for the most part. I hate it, because I feel like it's a waste of my life, but what am I supposed to do? I get home with no desire to do anything except vegetate, and there's nothing better for vegetating than a big ol' dose of tv. I need a vacation.

Bleh. Oh well.

(Oh, and P.S. THANK YOU FRUITY! :) )
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