June 25th, 2002

lung

Are you ready for The Rapture?

As I'm sure you all know, at some point in the near future, Jesus will be taking the faithful up to heaven while all of us, aka "the losers", suffer from seven years of plagues, invasions, comets, blue screens of death, telemarketers, and stuffy elevators filled with people who don't shower and eat a lot of beans. At the end of that, we'll all go to Hell in a handbasket.

This could potentially be an unpleasant time, and so it pays to be ready. For all of you poor saps planning on suffering through it, have I got the website for you!

Rapture Ready has everything you need to prepare for the time of the Rapture. Not sure you're pious enough to make the cut? Read Are You Rapture Ready? The evils of the liberal media are uncovered in gems like Satan's Little Helpers.

Know you won't be making it? There are helpful articles like Oops, I Guess I Wasn't Ready and The Post-Rapture Survival Guide.

Next time your friends are standing around watching while an army of 200 million horse-like creatures are killing a third of mankind, including their stupid asses, you'll be safe, thanks to advice like this:

"In order to survive this time, you need to remove yourself from society and live in a remote area that is difficult to access. Getting together with a group of like-minded people would provide additional support and safety. As mentioned earlier, stock up on food, medicines, living supplies, weaponry and gold. [Note: this is also good advice for playing Dungeons and Dragons, 3rd Edition rules.] You will need enough for 7 years. Don't plan on being able to supplement your food with hunting and fishing because the stocks of wild animals and fish will have been depleted and destroyed by the 3 1/2 year worldwide draught and three successive meteor-like or comet-like objects that strike the earth sometime after the rapture. The 3 1/2 year draught is brought on by the two witnesses. The first object from outer space to strike the earth will destroy 1/3 of all trees and all the green grass on earth. The second object, more like a meteor, strikes the sea and destroys 1/3 of all sea creatures and 1/3 of all shipping. The third object turns 1/3 of all fresh water poisonous and kills many people. Needless to say all of this will also seriously deplete the food supplies for the world's population causing food prices to skyrocket. [Note: thank God the laws of supply and demand still apply even during post-apocalyptic holocausts!]"

"However, since you have decided to reject Christ's offer to join in the rapture, your concern is how to maintain good health in the post rapture era. You must build a supply of multiple vitamins with particular emphasis on anti-oxidants such as C and E and minerals. It will also be necessary to have a supply of disinfectants, particularly one that can be added to water to make it potable."

"If you are reading this after the rapture, you need to realize that that you have been left behind.

At this time you may be feeling rejected by God. You might be saying to yourself, "Why didn't he take me?" or "I don't understand; I've led a good life." The problem wasn't that God rejected you; the problem is that you have rejected him. By not committing your life to Jesus and by not following after him, you have left him with no other choice but to leave you behind." Sucker.

Disclaimer: I am a Christian, and I will likely go to Hell for posting this. D'OH!

Update: Now with sound effects!