September 13th, 2001


(no subject)

I just realized the old church (for which I assume Church Street is named) must have been destroyed as well. According to a CNN reporter buildings as far as 10 blocks away suffered direct damage from the explosions and collapses and such. The church was directly across the street from the towers. I used to go sit in and walk through the cemetery sometimes when I needed to clear my head or just get away from things. I used to look at that church and think how beautiful it was an how wonderful that right next to the huge WTC complex this church from hundreds of years ago had survived and was still standing, a testament to man, to faith, to everything. I hope it survived but I realize that realistically it's probably rubble now.

(no subject)

Friday I'm going to go into the city and go down and see if there is anything I can do to help. If my boss won't let me do it then I'll either take a personal day if he'll allow that or just take an unpaid day. I've felt horrible all day for leaving when I did. I know my children need to have their father with them but I also know that another set of arms might have helped a lot today. I don't feel like I've done enough. I know realistically in that portion of my brain that's still able to think rationally that I will probably never, to the day I die, feel like I've done enough. I have to at least try. By Friday any danger should be past so I can help without having to worry about stranding the children without a father, but hopefully I will still be able to help and contribute in some meaningful way. I keep on thinking of the children that stayed in school all night hoping and praying their parents would come, and of the children whose prayers were never answered. Realistically I can't afford another child, I can't afford to shoulder any more, but I keep thinking that maybe I should. Life's not about getting rich, it's not about being successful. I don't know. I keep thinking maybe I should. At the very least maybe I could offer to put a child or two up for a few days or weeks as they look for any remaining family, try to provide a friendly and supportive environment. It might be good for my children as well, to see first hand what can happen and make them appreciate what they have. My 6 year old made the appropriate oohs and aahs when I tried to explain to him what happened, but it was very obvious none of it was sinking in. I don't want to hurt him but I feel it's incredibly important that he come to understand what happened. We can't ignore what's going on and hope it won't happen again, and we can't rail against it and punish the people responsible and hope it won't happen again. Unless we really understand what their actions have done can we really fight to stop it from happening again. The world needs more understanding now, not more anger, not retribution, and not tears and weakness either. We survived. We have a duty and a responsibility to honor and remember those who did not, and to make sure that we do what we can to make the world a place where this will not happen again. Mourning and shedding tears is one thing, but we cannot let this overwhelm us and prevent us from continuing on. If we do that, we've let the terrorists win. We cannot allow that. Looking and seeing the same people who were in tears and holding each other on the streets going about their business and living their lives the morning after was actually incredibly reassuring. We didn't let them win. We had the strength and the courage to stand up and keep on going. We won. They might have hurt us terribly but we beat them. Every time someone tries to terrorize us and we do not fold we have won a battle against them. Killing them is not the answer. Making them understand that they cannot terrorize us, that they can take our lives but not prevent us from living them, that they can hurt us but not stop us, that is the answer. We need to have compassion and we need to have strength.

I haven't allowed myself to shed a tear since it happened. I have come close, but I haven't. There's too much to be done, too much that needs to be accomplished before I can let myself shed any tears for those who were lost. I feel raw and weak inside but I have to be strong for them, and I have to be strong for those who weren't killed but who were hurt and who lost their loved ones and who lost their homes and their jobs. I don't know what else I can do.

Network attacks

I've seen a big jump in attacks against my boxes since the crashes. I wonder if it's related. Maybe it's just because more people are seeing my LJ and linking to it and due to the increased traffic there are more attacks. Maybe not.

Why is it...

...that no matter what I believe everyone else should be doing it's not good enough for me? I say that people are noble for giving blood, but I just spent 6 hours on the day trying to give blood and finally succeeding and I don't feel like I did enough. I know I had to get back to be with my children but I feel like it wasn't enough, that I should have stayed and helped more. I feel like I could have, should have, done so much more, and I didn't. I feel like I failed. If I could have saved even one life, if I could have helped even one person, if I could have brought a smile to even one shattered face, how could I not do it? How could I go to sleep in my secure quiet peaceful office knowing there were people trapped in the wreckage just walking distance away? How could I get on the train knowing that in doing so I was saying goodbye to the city for days most likely, the very days when people would be most needed to help? How could I do that? How can I live with myself? How can I live with myself knowing that there's any possibility that I could have done more?

I saw footage of people rushing into the scene to help, I watched a doctor going through the clouds of ash and debris and risking his life to be there to help people. I've seen hundreds of firemen and policemen and others dive into the fray to do anything they could to help, and over 250 of them never came out again. How can I live with myself knowing that they gave their very lives and I was safe and sitting at home taking care of my children when these people are out there screaming and in pain and needing help and I wasn't there to help them?


I wish I knew. The only thing that's brought me close to tears is the shame of knowing that there are people out there that need help desperately and I'm not one of the people out there helping them. I talked about being strong and continuing on with life but this isn't enough. Just continuing isn't enough. Hundreds, thousands of people lost their lives. I can't just continue on as if nothing happened.

i don't know what to do.

My post to wtcdisaster

I know this will probably be unpopular on here, but I really don't give a damn. I think it needs to be said, and needs to be said directly, and now.

I don't think war is the answer. Ignoring the attacks is also not the answer.

The attacks on our country (speaking as an American) and our city (speaking as a New Yorker) and our people (speaking as a human being) were not the act of a foreign country. They were not the act of the followers of a religion. They were not the act of a different race, nor of a different creed. The act of "war" as some people put it was an act of terrorism and evil, carried out by a bunch of individuals.

Some of those individuals are dead. I'm glad. The rest are not. I think we need to fix that. That does not, however, mean going to war.

War will bring the deaths of many more innocents. When you go to war you condemn those innocents to death, needlessly. That would be stooping to the level of the terrorists. Punishing the civilians for the acts of their neighbors, or their government - isn't that what the terrorists did?

We need to figure out who did it, extract them, put them on trial, and execute them for their crimes. If a mad dog goes wild, you put it to sleep to protect anyone else from being harmed. These individuals, no matter how evil, do not make their neighbors guilty by association. Hatred towards them, their religion, their country, whatever, is wrong. They, and only they, are responsible for their actions. Punish them, and only them, accordingly.

It would be wrong to let them go without punishment, but it would be equally wrong to punish others for their crimes.


Just heard from my mom. Miraculously both of my cousins are alive and well. Still no word from the other friend I've been trying to reach. I think I may have gotten out of this without losing anyone. I should be relieved but instead I feel mostly numb.

No, I feel mostly exhausted. I just feel worn out. I want to go to sleep for days and days.

My son just brought in some papers and handed them to me, saying he forgot to give them to me before. "Where were they?" "On my desk." "From when?" "From Kindergarten." !!! "Kindergarten?!" "Yeah, remember, last year when I went to school I was in Kindergarten..." he said, walking off. I looked at it and started to laugh and then almost started crying. Boy am I a mess.

I have to go pick up the baby in a minute. I think as soon as I can get them to bed I'm going to go to bed myself. So tired.
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I'm a bit concerned. I posted a message to the wtcdisaster community about organizing volunteer efforts and didn't get a single reply.

Are people burnt out of all of this? Are they frustrated from trying to help and failing? Do they figure that no more help is needed? Are they just overwhelmed in general?

I'm hoping some people respond. I know I've been very frustrated with my efforts to help, but I don't want to give up. I can't believe with all of the need we have that nothing can be done. We'll see.


I was reading an article on about the attacks when I finally started crying. My mom called and I managed to pull it together so I could talk to her, and then my boss called and I cleared my throat and talked to him. He wanted to check on me and let me know that he was ok with me spending tomorrow trying to help but he wanted me to try to do some digging ahead of time so I'd have some idea of what I'd be doing and hopefully could help organize any efforts in the office to contribute and volunteer.
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