August 15th, 2001



Been feeling rather melancholy recently. Alternately depressed, angry, frustrated, exhausted, despairing... life's been rough.

My baby was crying earlier, so I went in and petted his head and sang to him until he calmed down and then just hovered over his crib for a while watching him sleep. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be on this planet. He's so beautiful and so innocent, he deserves so much better than the life he has. Both of my children do. They deserve to be born to a better world than we live in, to a better life than anyone I know can give them.

This can be such a horrible, bleak place we live in. I can't protect them from everything in the world and I can't hide them from all of its horrible aspects and I can't expose them to nothing but the best parts. Even if I could, it wouldn't be good enough. Where'd we go so wrong?


Got an email from a realtor, I really ought to unsubscribe from their mailing list (I sub'd back when I was still looking for places, almost a year ago) and how much would it cost me to get the bare minimum sort of place I could live with the kids if I wanted to move into the city? $3000 a month. Three fucking thousand dollars per month, and it'd be a smaller and much less luxurious place than I have now. (Don't ask, I still pay a shitload, but much less than that. I live in NJ, you see.)

  • Current Music
    Billie Holliday - Stars Fell On Alabama


Had a very long lunch (2 and a half hours, including travel time) today. Went to Lemon, some trendy upscale blah blah blah on Park btwn. 19th and 18th. It was ok. It was a CondeNet (tech) past and present lunch get together, basically. The current CN techs plus the former ones were all invited (the ones that could be tracked down, anyways) and we all met up for lunch.

It was nice, I suppose. I definitely liked seeing some of them again, but there were several people I really wish hadn't been invited or hadn't made it. The programmers I all liked more or less, but I didn't know several of the people at all, and of course there were some other people I didn't particularly like. None of the other sys admins from my time showed, mainly because none of us were in the initial list invited - I got asked 2 days ago and they weren't asked until yesterday because I passed their email addresses along to the inviter. I don't think it was really that we (or they) weren't welcome, just more that we probably weren't really thought of and in the cases when we were didn't feel like it was worth the effort to go find our contact info. I'll be the first to admit systems was a very insular group. The fact that it was entirely made of up asian minorities, none of whom except for me were native or spoke like a native was probably related. Part of it is also just the fact that sys admins almost always tend to be a breed apart for whatever reason.

So anyways, I went, I paid way too much for food that wasn't worth it, and got a chance to chat with some people I haven't chatted with for a few months. It was worth it I suppose, but could've been better. I would've preferred if it was half the size and twice as "intimate". Also half the price would've been nice. :P

Now I have a headache and I can't really focus on anything. I think that's not entirely unrelated. Social gatherings are not my strong point, but I'm working on it. I just don't do well when there are more than 3 or 4 people all together at once. I can have a one on one conversation just fine, but each additional person makes me that much more uncomfortable until I finally just stand there listening to everyone and not saying anything. I suck at small talk.

Ah well. Back to work for the half hour until I leave. Bleh.

Hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight for a change so I won't feel like death warmed over tomorrow. Maybe I can actually accomplish something worthwhile, even.