June 24th, 2001



Just got back from a rather long walk with my 18 month old. Decided to go down to the deli, and then when they didn't have what I wanted, I picked up the baby and trekked down to the local supermarket. Local means very different things to those with and those without cars.

The supermarket is maybe... 10 or 12 long city blocks away. But it's also over a highway, up and down a few minor inclines, and without any decent sidewalk for a large part of it. Plus most of the time I was carrying my 18 month old, who is both large for his age and a bit chubby.

My arm is aching, and it took about an hour and a half in total. But it was a nice little (hah) walk and now I've got what I needed. And my arms are tired. Baby's eating his hard-earned* banana now. But I got the maple syrup I promised my other son, and we got some fresh air. Bleh. Hehe.

* - it was me doing the earning, though :P


I didn't get anything useful done this weekend. Well, no 'forward progress'. I was dealing with on-call and trying to do the 'good father' thing and spent all weekend playing with my son and fixing webservers, and some time talking with friends. I got a lot done, in one sense, but I feel demoralized because my place is a mess and I'm exhausted and I've got nothing to show for it. I worked hard this weekend but I have nothing to point to and say "hey, I did that". I've got a happy, clean, well-fed baby, which is nice, and I've got a network back at work that's working ok, but... I want to be able to point to the sparkling floors and shining countertops. Or maybe point to the new release of code I just put out, or the new servers I set up, or whatever.

I'm going to go cook a real dinner, some pseudo-thai style chicken with noodles, and then I'm going to see if I can't get at least a little cleaning done. I hate this place, it's so messy, and between the things going on in my life I never have the time or energy or willpower to clean it well. I also hate looking at myself, I want to work out and get rid of my damn belly and tighten up my arms and torso (and legs too, I guess, but those don't bother me) but I can't bring myself to exercise. I want to get some programming done, but I can't get it together. I need to set up the servers so my dad can put his web site on my server but I can't get up the willpower to do it. I want to do so much and I just... can't... make... myself...

Ugh. I'm burning out, and it's not pleasant to watch myself go down in flames. I'm not saying I'm not doing ok meanwhile, because I am - but I'm losing my drive and my will and my ability to push myself to my limits. I'm getting by, and that's it. I want to be succeeding as much as humanly possible, and instead I'm just getting by. Bleh. :/

I need to remember to call back again tonight and see if I can reach my cousin. I want to congratulate her on her new baby.

Anyway, time to cook.


...dinner tonight should be good.

I chopped up some chicken breasts and am cooking them up now in sesame oil, and I just added around a tablespoon of honey and a touch of soy and garlic, to give it a little subtle flavor, but not much. Should make a nice little glaze. After that's fried up a bit I'll add in the thai red curry sauce I got, some coconut milk, maybe some other stuff, and fry that up. Oh, and I'm going to put half aside to use with the satay sauce I got, hehe. And I'm going to fry up some thin chinese noodles to have it with. Damn I'm hungry. Wish I had 2 nice pans. Sigh. Cooking everything one thing at a time sucks. Must spend money and get more pans. Must get money to spend. Bleh.

Ah well. Time to go finish dinner, assuming this step is done. Need more pans. :/

And a wok damnit.