ntang (ntang) wrote,
ntang
ntang

  • Music:

Time

I was reading an article on Time.com about the attacks when I finally started crying. My mom called and I managed to pull it together so I could talk to her, and then my boss called and I cleared my throat and talked to him. He wanted to check on me and let me know that he was ok with me spending tomorrow trying to help but he wanted me to try to do some digging ahead of time so I'd have some idea of what I'd be doing and hopefully could help organize any efforts in the office to contribute and volunteer.

Having something to do helped. I spent the past few hours trying to research ways to help tomorrow, efforts we could volunteer for, places we could try to contact. Found a decent amount of information but found even more frustration. Still, I did something useful with my night instead of bawling away in my chair.

The funny thing is for the fact that I'm quiet and shy and reserved I tend to be at my best in a crisis, I thrive on stress, and part of me loves taking charge of the situation when things go wrong. Normally I'm in the back, watching events unfold, but when things start to go wrong I feel compelled to step up and start giving orders and directing people. People think I'm good in a crisis. I guess I am, but I think it's more that I'm not bad in a crisis. A lot of people fall apart when stress hits, they panic, or their performance drops, or they can't concentrate, can't look at the problem and fix it. Me, I don't really improve in stress - I just degrade much more gracefully than most people and take more to get there.

I had a decent amount of time to sit in my chair today, alone, reading reports and news stories and absorbing the impact of some of what happened. I think that was the hardest thing for me to do so far. When I'm in action, moving, doing, solving, I don't have to stop and face the emotions. I just plow forward through the problems, solving them and checking them off as fast as my feet can carry me. Sitting, not doing anything, was agony. I felt much much better once I had something to do.

When the events were unfolding I was posting and reading constantly, trying to let people know what was going on, looking for friends and letting others know I was ok. When I stopped I went outside and spent the next 9 hours or so trying to help and looking for blood banks and donating my blood. Then I came back and watched the news and talked with my brother in law and then went to sleep. The next morning I was back on my feet again moving, moving, always moving. Today I finally slowed down. I wish I hadn't.

Tomorrow I'll be moving and moving and moving some more. Hopefully my moving can help others, and help organize the efforts of my office.
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