ntang (ntang) wrote,

Why is it...

...that no matter what I believe everyone else should be doing it's not good enough for me? I say that people are noble for giving blood, but I just spent 6 hours on the day trying to give blood and finally succeeding and I don't feel like I did enough. I know I had to get back to be with my children but I feel like it wasn't enough, that I should have stayed and helped more. I feel like I could have, should have, done so much more, and I didn't. I feel like I failed. If I could have saved even one life, if I could have helped even one person, if I could have brought a smile to even one shattered face, how could I not do it? How could I go to sleep in my secure quiet peaceful office knowing there were people trapped in the wreckage just walking distance away? How could I get on the train knowing that in doing so I was saying goodbye to the city for days most likely, the very days when people would be most needed to help? How could I do that? How can I live with myself? How can I live with myself knowing that there's any possibility that I could have done more?

I saw footage of people rushing into the scene to help, I watched a doctor going through the clouds of ash and debris and risking his life to be there to help people. I've seen hundreds of firemen and policemen and others dive into the fray to do anything they could to help, and over 250 of them never came out again. How can I live with myself knowing that they gave their very lives and I was safe and sitting at home taking care of my children when these people are out there screaming and in pain and needing help and I wasn't there to help them?


I wish I knew. The only thing that's brought me close to tears is the shame of knowing that there are people out there that need help desperately and I'm not one of the people out there helping them. I talked about being strong and continuing on with life but this isn't enough. Just continuing isn't enough. Hundreds, thousands of people lost their lives. I can't just continue on as if nothing happened.

i don't know what to do.

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