ntang (ntang) wrote,

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Facial expressions

I've been thinking a lot recently about the faces I wear.

Not the metaphoric identities, but just the expressions I wear on my face when I'm out.

I rarely smile. I often scowl, look angry, or upset, or disturbed. I glare a lot. When I'm walking down the street I often do it with an angry glare, my hands in fists or more often stuffed in my pockets, my pace long and my steps fast. I don't know why, really, I just do.

I tend to think a lot when I'm not actively doing something, so when I'm walking down the street chances are I'm deep in thought. I miss a lot of things because of that, sometimes. I do know that when I'm thinking, I tend to get a bit of a scowl on my face. I wonder how many people that's put off. I'd imagine it certainly doesn't encourage people to get close, and I suppose in some ways that's what part of me wants. I tend to be a loner. My body language and facial expressions just are the outward reflection of that.

The funny thing is part of me desperately wants to be anything other than the loner. It's lonely (gawrsh) and often depressing and cold to be alone, but I tend to push people away when they come close. I don't even realize I'm doing it most of the time. When I'm in a crowd, I sit or stand alone on the sidelines. When I'm approached by people, I often seem cold. When I'm talked to, I answer in short, clipped sentences.

I know part of it is just a self-defense technique. I've had self-confidence problems all my life, and I've also had a huge and overpowering fear of opening up to people and getting hurt and/or rejected for my trouble, so I tend to avoid that. I wish I didn't. I've been trying to work on it, and I can actually talk a little now, and I'm not as bad as I once was, but I have a long way to go. I still tend to be helpless in a medium to large group. One on one is best.

I can put that aside, though, when I'm in the right situation. When I'm at work, in charge, and I know I'm in charge, it drives me. I can give interviews without blinking, I can run the department, I can have conferences with important people in the company. Once the business layer drops away, though, I drop too. I wish I knew where I get the... strength? courage? focus? whatever to do that. I can't call it up myself, it just comes to me when I need it. Unfortunately, whatever part of my brain it is that calls up that poise and reserve doesn't consider most social situations necessary. Ah well. One day.

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