ntang (ntang) wrote,
ntang
ntang

  • Music:

Sigh.

Been feeling rather melancholy recently. Alternately depressed, angry, frustrated, exhausted, despairing... life's been rough.

My baby was crying earlier, so I went in and petted his head and sang to him until he calmed down and then just hovered over his crib for a while watching him sleep. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be on this planet. He's so beautiful and so innocent, he deserves so much better than the life he has. Both of my children do. They deserve to be born to a better world than we live in, to a better life than anyone I know can give them.

This can be such a horrible, bleak place we live in. I can't protect them from everything in the world and I can't hide them from all of its horrible aspects and I can't expose them to nothing but the best parts. Even if I could, it wouldn't be good enough. Where'd we go so wrong?

...

Got an email from a realtor, I really ought to unsubscribe from their mailing list (I sub'd back when I was still looking for places, almost a year ago) and how much would it cost me to get the bare minimum sort of place I could live with the kids if I wanted to move into the city? $3000 a month. Three fucking thousand dollars per month, and it'd be a smaller and much less luxurious place than I have now. (Don't ask, I still pay a shitload, but much less than that. I live in NJ, you see.)

Sigh.
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